AUGUST 18, 1995 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

27

BIG TIPS

What to do when a job takes your love 2,000 miles away

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Well, science fans, I received a kind correction on my column about our friend, the sun. It turns out that it takes eight minutes for the sun's light to zip across the void to bathe our planet in its predominantly benevolent glow, not the eleven I reported. Which, my correspondent gently pointed out, gives us three fewer minutes in which to wig out when the sun supernovas. Yikes! Kind of puts that "varying numbers of sunblock" tip into perspective, maisnon?

While the deeply fearful among us contemplate that, let me lay a little lifestyle tip on you: Last week I was off to a birthday gathering. It was casual, but not so casual that presenting the gift in a crumpled paper bag would do. As my ride arrived, I made a last panicked scan of my environs, and lighted on a package of those large faux-brick cardboard blocks I hadn't quite gotten to sending to my nephews yet. I put one together in mere seconds, popped the gift in, and closed it up. Ta-da!

Dear Big Tipper,

Hi! I really like your column. My girlfriend and I have a problem that we'd like your opinion on. We've been together for a year and a half and living together for much of that time. We both feel fortunate to have found each other since we live and love together well. There hasn't been any drama or need for therapy, I'm not allergic to her cat, and she doesn't mind that I have a lot of friends that I spend time with.

Happily for her, my lover has gotten a great job offer across the country. She's happy in her job here, but it would be better for her in the long run for her to take the new job. I have a job in which I am contracted to remain here for the next 11 months. She

wants to take the job, and I completely support her, but I feel so sad thinking about living without her for a year, and she feels awful too. Any tips on surviving this?

Only The Lonely

Dear Absence Makes The Heart...

You're not allergic to her cat? She has no problem with you playing with your friends? The woman is obviously a keeper. I wish there was something I could say that would make 11 months shorter, but the sooner it starts, the sooner you'll be together again. Try breaking up the time into chunks, with rewards at the end; if you can visit her once, and she can come see you once, then the wait is broken into thirds. It's time to work those friendships, too. It's going to be sad to move and leave them, so maximize your time together with them.

This is, of course, a rare opportunity to write and receive letters that will make a nice document of this time in your relationship. Send a lot of mail: it's cheaper than the inevitable phone calls, and it feels a little like time together when you're looking for neat things to send, and when you're writing. If your patience is limited, and you're digitally inclined, e-mail is more immediate. Just make sure you print out a hard copy of the messages so you can carry them around. A year from now you'll be able to look at them in your new home, and you will have been together much longer. I'm crossing my fingers for you both. Take care.

Dear MTM,

I have a question, and I bet this is probably your first letter from a straight man. My wife and I have been together since we were in high school, and got married when we were in college. We love each other deeply, and have worked through the usual things

that come along when you've been together for fifteen years.

Several years ago, she told me that she's always considered herself bisexual, and every once in a while, I think she regrets not ever sleeping with a woman (we're both each other's first and only sex partner). I want to be able to support this need of hers, but it destroys me inside to think of her having sex with anyone else. She hasn't said anything about this to me, but I think she might be protecting me. I can't and won't stand between her and her desires, but I don't know if I can take it. It seems like the love I have for her that makes me want her to have the experiences she wants, is the same love that makes me want to die inside when I think about it. Does this situation come up a lot? What have other people done to be able to deal?

Too Hard To Share

Dear Caring Isn't Necessarily Sharing,

Guess what, hon-you're getting yourself all in a lather about a situation which might not even exist. Based on what you say about your relationship, your wife's bisexuality probably doesn't mean she has an aching need to bed a gal.

If she identifies as bisexual, it could mean a million things, but why would it mean she longs to have sex outside of the relationship if that's never been part of the deal? Our sexual identity doesn't cease to perform a role if and when we become permanently, monogamously partnered. It still affects who catches our eye, and the electricity of a specific type of attraction can reassure us that we're compelling, even if it's out of the question to become sexually involved. That tangy zip has certainly lent an edge to many a platonic friendship.

Enjoying that zing of attraction, how-

ever, is a long leap from actually doing it. The first reminds us we're alive, and the second, if not previously negotiated with love number 1, may make us wish we weren't.

It makes sense that your wife didn't discuss her bisexuality with you in the early days of your relationship: it was probably still gelling in her mind, and if there's been a stigma attached to being gay or lesbian, it's really been no great shakes to be out as bi. She may have also believed it didn't matter, since she had chosen to spend her life with you.

Concerning the regret factor, I'm sure it's crossed both of your minds what it would be like to have slept with other people, but it doesn't sound like that's something that you, at least, are actually interested in. Talk to her. She'll probably be touched that you care so deeply about her pleasure. And you know what? She never needed your permission to sleep with someone else, and for some reason, she's chosen not to. It sounds like she might just be happy.

There's a great book called Bi Any Other Name that you should get a copy of to share. It's an anthology of essays by bi folks including guys and gals, singles, those into polyfidelity, monogamous couples, some folks deeply committed to getting around, and people who've never slept with anyone at all. It's an engaging read, and it really opened my eyes to the incredible range of identities that get lumped under the polarizing term "bisexual." Good luck.

Send your questions to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, 44101; or e-mail Chron Ohio@aol.com, or fax to 216631-1082.

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